I read every book on dating that could get my hands on, watched hundreds of videos, and even went on two all day seminars in my quest for a great second wife. After two years of studying, practicing, and over 30 first dates, my dating and relationship skills had improved tremendously, and I found the woman I am now married to.
The best way to learn how to attract women is too focus on the basics, basic principles, basic mindset, and basic techniques.
Without further ado, I direct you, the kind reader, to the following:
Online dating is dating minus the “approach”.
For many men just approaching women is a huge stumbling block. While there have been volumes and volumes of great advice about the “approach”, online dating, for better or worse, doesn’t involve approaching.
It is a surprising and little known fact that a very small percentage of men (estimated variously between 2% to 10%) get the lion’s share of the dating “action”.
The rest of the men either have to get very lucky or end up settling. Its surprising and unfair, but it is actually a huge opportunity for you.
#1 Money and looks do matter, but not nearly as much as you think.
Some dating coaches claim that money and looks do not matter at all. This is an exaggeration of the facts.
Of the 2% to 10% of men who are very successful with women many, for sure, are either rich or very good looking, but many are neither. Many are just ordinary looking men who have put in the time and effort to master the art of attraction, sometimes referred to as “game”.
There are also a very small number of men who are neither rich nor especially good looking, and have never tried to learn about the art of dating, but are nevertheless very successful with women. These are called “naturals”. They are very few and far between. You can’t learn how to become a natural. You either are one or you aren’t.
#2 Success with women is to a large extent a numbers game.
The dating coaches and experts all acknowledge that no man can get every woman. The difference between the results of a very good looking man who knows what he is doing and the results for an average looking man who knows what he is doing, is that the average looking man will have to try more women for each “success”. A very strong case can be made that the success of the most successful dating coaches and so called “PUA’s” is largely because they approach a lot more women than the average guy.
#3 Your mindset is much more important than techniques
If there were two men who were otherwise identical, but the first guy thinks that he is awful with women and the second thinks that he is great with women, which one do you think will have more success?
If you think you are bad at something, learning techniques may help, but only a little.
How do you change your beliefs about yourself?
By going beyond your comfort zone you can succeed, at least occasionally, beyond your expectations. When you accumulate enough successes, you become practically a different person.
As a long term project, you should think about your overall life style. If you can improve your lifestyle you also improve your self image. Improving your lifestyle can include becoming smarter and more interesting by reading a lot of books, getting a better job or starting your own business, making more friends and becoming more social, and the list goes on and on.
#4 Women of all ages and nationalities are attracted to confident men.
This doesn’t mean that you or I am going to beat out Leonardo Dicaprio, no matter how confident we are. For one thing Dicaprio is confident too. But for sure, confidence is super important.
I’m not sure that there is even such a thing as a “confident person”. People are confident about activities or situations where they have been successful in the past. They are usually less confident when they have experienced a “lot” of failures.
#5 Women are attracted to passionate men.
I’m not just talking about passion in the bedroom. You can be passionate about a cause, about being a champion chess player, about becoming a doctor who saves patients lives, or about being one of the world’s best professional poker players. Women are attracted to men who have a passion about something.
Being a man is about doing something. Preferably with style.
#6 Women are attracted to masculine energy.
This is so obvious that it doesn’t need much explanation (think Bruce Willis). If you are a wimp, resolve to stop being a wimp. Make your intentions clear to the woman from the outset. Let her know, mostly by your actions, that you don’t want a friend, and you sure as hell don’t want a shoulder to cry on. Don’t be embarrassed or apologetic because you want to sleep with her.
If the woman is even a little attracted to you, don’t be afraid to go for the kiss, especially with American or other western women. You may not get it the first time, even the second time, but she will likely respect you more just for trying.
With traditional Chinese or other Asian women, substitute holding hands or putting your arm around her for the kiss. You can do it even on the first date, but only after you have gotten good enough to pull it off. Eventually you will do this instinctively.
#7 Don’t put women on a pedestal .
This one is a little tricky. If you meet a beautiful woman, who is smart and has a great personality, its great to be appreciative. And you should treat her with the utmost respect.
But putting her on a pedestal means that you are raising her up above you. No woman wants a man who is “lesser” than her. Treating and respecting her as an equal is great, and is what I am personally most comfortable with.
Once you show (or even think) that she is out of your league, she will be! Your attitude should be “I am the shit.. and you are also the shit!”
#8 Never act needy or insecure
I would hope that we all know this, although it can be hard to master because old habits die hard.
Women expect a man to have a fairly full and complete life, even without them. That’s kind of what it means to be a man. If you have a full and complete life without her, you wouldn’t be needy.
Don’t be “too available”. Don’t say you are available “anytime” or always text her back right away, especially at the beginning.
#9 Women want to have fun, and love a man who knows how to have fun
Sometimes just having fun with the girl is more than enough. Don’t be a clown but try to develop a good sense of humor (if you don’t already have one) but only as one part of your personality. Taking an improvisation class is not necessary but is highly recommended.
Although understanding the basic concepts of dating expertise and incorporating them in your mind set is much more important than techniques, but the following techniques are also fairly important.
#10 Use strong eye contact.
The simplest and most concrete tip I to improve your dating skills and results is to have strong eye contact.
I remember at the beginning of my dating adventures I went on a Tinder date, and it didn’t go particularly well. Afterwards I kicked myself… I realized that I was looking all over the room most of the time and not at her.
The eyes are the window to the soul and are very powerful. You shouldn’t keep eye contact with the girl 100% of the time, that would just be creepy, but anywhere from 50% to 70% of the time is a hell of a lot better than 10% of the time.
Having strong eye contact shows confidence, even dominance, and also that you are actually interested in the woman. This tip alone can skyrocket your results.
#11 Cultivate excellent body language
Second in importance after eye contact is body language. Observe and emulate the body language of men who are successful with women. In an interaction the words you say are only a small amount of the total interaction. Stand tall with your head up ad your chest slightly out. Don’t fidget. Always “take up space” in the room.
#12 Move, walk, and talk slowly and deliberately.
Unfortunately this is not only a very important topic but it is a huge topic which is beyond the scope of this article. Suffice it to say that the way you walk, the way you move, and the way you talk, sends very powerful signals. However all these things can definitely be trained.
#13 Learn how to “calibrate”.
It is super important to understand what is working and what is not working and adjust accordingly.
With men, attraction is like a light switch. It is either on or it is off, and it takes just a split second to turn it on or off. With women, attraction is like the dimmer switch where the amount of light can be gradually increased or decreased. A woman’s attraction for you can and does change from moment to moment, especially at the beginning. You have to constantly adjust to how she is feeling.
#14 Know when and how to get physical.
If you wait to long to get physical you will end up in the friend zone. On the other hand, you don’t want to move too soon.
Fortunately you can test the waters. Even on the first date, if she is wearing an interesting ring , watch, or bracelet you can comment on it and touch her arm while you examine it. If she pulls away or looks uncomfortable, you know its either too soon or she’s not attracted to you (if she is western woman).
If you have a first date that is short and casual, say a coffee date at Starbuck’s, you probably don’t want to go for a kiss at the end of the date, but you should try for a hug and see how she reacts.
If your first date goes really well or if it’s a second date, you will have to decide whether or not to go for the kiss. Whole books have been written about the first kiss, but the most general advice I can give is, if the date went well, go for the kiss(this does not apply to Chinese girls where in their culture a kiss means that they are in love with you). You may not get it, but she will probably respect you more for trying.
#15 Understand “Qualification”
What is “qualification” and why would you use it?
Life is short and there are many great girls and women. If you are looking for a wife, a long term relationship, or even for an awesome girl friend, you don’t want to waste your time on someone who is incompatible with you.
Qualification is when you ask her questions which are obviously meant to see if she is the right kind of woman for you.
When you “qualify” her, you are showing her that you are a “high value” man who probably has a lot of options. You also show her that looks alone are not enough for you, and that you are likely serious about finding a real soulmate or life partner.
#16 Learn how to make women chase.
When I was first heard of this concept I thought it was impossible. Make the woman chase me?
But think about it, haven’t you known women who throw themselves at men, even humiliate themselves for men. I bet you have, and that they described these men as assholes. Have you ever wondered why so many women throw themselves at assholes?
Among the dating coaches and PUA’s there is something called “cat string theory” .
If you tease a cat by dangling a piece of string over its head the cat will never tire of fighting for the string. But if you drop the string on the floor in front of the cat it will maybe swat at it once but then will completely ignore the string.
According to this theory, women too have an instinct to chase.
Now I don’t necessarily agree that women have an instinct to chase. And once you are married or living together, the chase will have ended. But the truth of the matter is that in the early stages of dating, being able to make the woman chase is an essential skill that you must have to be good at game.
How do you do it? This is another topic which would require a very long answer to really cover.
What I can tell you is that I eventually figured it out with the help of material from a lot of dating experts and a lot of dating practice.
If I had to capsulize it, I would say that as a man you have to make the first move, but after that either one of you can make moves. If the woman is into you, sometimes you just have to hold back just a little and wait for her to start to chase. This has to be very subtle, but its way cool when it happens.
#17 Date more than one woman at a time until you find the right one.
This won’t work in a small town. But otherwise, if you date multiple girls, you get more experience, your confidence level goes way up, and most of all, you get the opportunity of choosing “from abundance”, i.e. you choose the best of many, instead of just settling for whoever is interested in you.
For a long time, I was quite resistant to this concept. I thought it just “wasn’t me”. However after I spent six months with one girl, and was almost engaged, only for us to break up, I felt that I had wasted a lot of time and decided to follow the experts’ advice. For a little while I was was dating 4 at a time, until I met my future wife and we started to get serious.
For sure once you’re dating 4 at a time you no longer have to worry about having confidence.
To get good success with online dating you have to be good at dating. You can get good at dating by learning and practicing the most important dating fundamentals, while developing the correct mind set for success.